Where are All the Good Men?
“Where are all the good men?” If you’ve had any connection to our current global culture, you’ve heard this question dozens of times. We hear it enough that culture has made content designed to make men “manly” again. But what does that mean? What makes a boy a man? What makes a man a “good man”? Culture hasn’t been helpful. Add to this the “alpha male,” “beta male,” “sigma male,” or simply a “high-value male” and we’ve got ourselves hundreds of voices telling men who they should be, and who women want them to be.
When trying to uncover what’s best, men are confronted with two loud opposing beliefs that fight for their attention. In one corner is the side that denies gender matters at all. At the other corner is a society that believes men and women need to be a perfect copy of dated stereotypes that “understood society” back in the 1940s. They’ve either romanticized the past to be a time where there were no issues at all, or they’ve abandoned all hope in men. But are either of these biblically satisfying solutions? I don’t think so. Instead, we should know who men and women are according to Christians, right?
The Supposed “Christian Approach”
I would love to tell you that Christian leaders get everything right, but that isn’t true. There is a wave of Christian leaders who are “fighting for men’s sake”. This is good. Men need to know that they matter. But many of these Christian leaders who excite the imaginations of men and give hope may not be as helpful as they claim. It’s easy to think of leaders who make these promises. If you know any group of young men, there are household names that have a powerful following. They’re the ones that appeal to the sense of men being men. Some of these leaders may not even be Christians, but they’re able to appeal to a Christian sense of order. Others, proudly bearing the name of Christ, have arguments that not only sound biblical but even use Bible verses.
When you pair a desire for men to be men, with a desire for the Bible to be central, and a yearning heart to please God, these arguments become so easy to buy into. But is this godly? I don’t think so. Consider the following example of one such teaching. I’ll use this real example of a teaching I’ve experienced. Then we’ll go to Scripture and see a better way that has been delivered to us in the Word. The passage, 1 Timothy 5, focuses on godly relationships for all Christians, no matter who you are, to better share your life with any fellow believer.
Setting the Stage
To preface this, I’m part of the target audience for much of what is being taught by these men. The image they paint to men are experiences I’ve gone through. I see the appeal of these arguments. They’re so compelling. They make you think that you’ve finally been heard. When these Christian men are talking, they promise their teachings are going to explain what the Bible really says. They’ll even teach things from the Bible that are, in one man’s words, “wildly inappropriate and possibly illegal.” This teacher promised that I would not be getting what’s taught by “Evangelical beta preachers”, but by what the Bible unashamedly says.
What Did He Say?
This teacher started with something true and biblical: “Men and women are different.” This should be no surprise to us. Men and women are different. But sin distorted men and women uniquely. Men sin in ways unique to men, and women sin in ways unique to women. But here, this teacher takes a new angle. He said that society has become “a feminine society”. He also lamented that people are not getting married young enough, which results from “feminism or pornography”. He argues, “Feminism and pornography are destructive forces that cause men to lose their ability to marry at a younger age and find women who they should be with.” It’s certainly true that feminism has infected society and porn has become far easier to access. Both harm men (and women) in ways that reach far beyond their understanding. But he makes these claims without backup. He may be right, but he has not shown why.
Next, this teacher claimed that men are more “adaptable” and women are less “adaptable” to a changing environment. He argues men are strong enough to be whatever they put their effort into. He challenges men to put effort into becoming men, rather than women. This claim says that men are better at being what they’re not, and women are only good at being what they are. So, when men act in more “feminine” ways, they appear more like women. He then says that men are shocked when women are not attracted to them. “Men need to be men because women want men to be men.” This is how he claims the world works, and therefore how the Bible has established relationships to work. It’s simple, logical, natural… And not what we see taught in Scripture.
Nothing New Under the Sun
Just like we learn from Ecclesiastes 1:1-11, we will hear the same tired promises repeat over and over. The sun rises and sets, the wind blows and blows, bodies of water cannot fill nor overflow. When we hear many of these claims, it makes us want to say “We’ll fix it and get back to how it was before.” But we have a problem: Before wasn’t better. Yes, we have a movement called “Feminism” that has caused many problems. We see the sexes try to prove their superiority over one another. This has been going on as long as humankind has existed.[1] Sex and gender have always been hot topics. But we should look at what Scripture says.
When I say that things weren’t better before, I’m not saying we are better today than we were in the past. I’m not saying that we need to forget what worked or forget what didn’t work in past generations. What I am saying is that we are facing the same issues that we have always faced. Men and women have both been created by God to do what he designed them to do. Yet every generation has had issues with men not doing what they were designed to do, just as women have had issues not doing what they were designed to do.
Notice that above, the teacher I summarized did not point to Scripture. He promised he would, but it was not used. Often, the Bible is not used when these teachers claim they’ll get to Scripture. It may be assumed, but it’s often wrongly assumed. Therefore, let’s look at the text of 1 Timothy 5 and see what it says. Then you can judge for yourself.
Paul Responds
1 Timothy 5:1-2 says, “Do not address an older man harshly but appeal to him as a father. Speak to younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters—with complete purity.” Paul, writing to Timothy, set this standard that is largely neglected, but so simple. Do you want to know how to act like a godly man? Act as you would to those around you as if they’re your family![2] How should you treat older men in your church? Treat them like you would treat your dad. How about the older women in your church? Treat them like your mom. Younger men? Just like your brothers. Younger women? Like your sisters.
I have three sisters. I have never had a problem getting to know what matters to them. I know what they like, what they hate, how they act. I sometimes know how they’re going to think, and what can keep them up at night. I know how to act around my sisters. Not perfectly, since I’m not perfect, but I lived with them for most of my life. When I know this, and translate this to my relationships with younger women in my church, I’m being called to treat my sisters in Christ like that. Whether I’m romantically interested in them, or they’re my friends, I must treat my sisters in Christ exactly like I treat my sisters in my family. To understand this relationship practically, ask yourself, “Would I do this with my sister? No? Then I better not do this with other women. Yes? Then I have the freedom, with wisdom, to do so.”[3]
Be Purified
1 Timothy 5:2 says to treat younger women “with complete purity”. When I first heard this teaching, I recall saying “‘with complete purity’ must refer to every group. It clearly isn’t just younger women, but everyone.” In one sense, I was right, but in another, I was wrong. The text is clear that Paul is warning Timothy to take extra care when treating women like sisters. Paul reminds Timothy explicitly to treat his sisters in Christ “with complete purity”. It’s a necessary reminder of something Paul said just before.
In Bible interpretation, we teach that textual context, and the order of the text, matter. 1 Timothy 4 comes before 1 Timothy 5 for a reason. 1 Timothy 4 informs our reading of 1 Timothy 5. 1 Timothy 4:12, says, “Let no one look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in your speech, conduct, love, faithfulness, and purity.” It is in this verse that we see young men, like Timothy, are called to treat all fellow believers well in speech, conduct, love, faithfulness, and purity. Purity is not just for men/women dynamics, but for all to be without contamination or faults.
Instead of demeaning the idea of purity and making it about boy/girl dynamics, we must elevate our understanding of purity to be free from sin. We must be without flaw. We must be perfect. And though we’re not, and everyone from every side can see this as plain as day, we have good news. We have not only an example but a fulfiller: Jesus, the perfectly pure one. The one who absorbed our contamination and faults when he took our sin upon himself and bore it on the cross. He has purified us, and now we have been called to live lives that are pure in all our relationships.
Next time you read an account of Jesus, see how he deals with his relationships. We see he has friends both young and old, male and female, and there are no warnings he gave about any relationships he had with any group of people. He treated all of them with all purity. Even if they were tax collectors or sinners. And he has given us the Holy Spirit to grow us in purity and freely enjoy our relationships. It may take some work, some days, and much wisdom, but we are free to pursue pure relationships. And so we should.
Judge for Yourself (Epilogue)
I have just added to the many voices that have been telling men to act like men. I hope that my argument is both biblical and logical. I want you to agree with me because you see it from the text and believe that it’s true. I want to be conformed to God’s Word and encourage others to become more Christlike. My hope-filled prayer is that “your love may exceed still more and more in knowledge and all discernment so that you may approve what is excellent, so that you may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ” (Philippians 1:9-10).
Don’t follow the popular arguments. It’s easy to follow what others are saying, but that is of no benefit to you. It’s much harder work to decide what you believe, but it’s worth it. Please take some time to look at what Scripture says for yourself and follow what it teaches. I hope we sharpen one another and find a way for men to live in freedom becausethey are men, and women to live in freedom because they’re women. That’s where the good men are. They’re in their Bibles seeking to live as Christ in all purity.
[1] I don’t believe we should use Genesis 3 to make this argument, however, Kendra Dahl shines some light on this very important topic. Her article is worth a read and valuable to understanding a beautiful blessing that we see come in Genesis 3; Kendra Dahl, “Restoring Eve,” Modern Reformation (Essay), https://www.modernreformation.org/resources/essays/restoring-eve.
[2] I’m aware that some people have bad family dynamics. Please hear the intent: treat them as if it’s the family you wish you had. Like a father you can respect. Like a mother whom you love. Like your brothers and sisters who have been there for you in the good times and bad times.
[3] There is, certainly, wisdom involved if you know you’re going to have a hard time treating a woman like a sister when you’re attracted to her. The principle Paul gives is sufficient to know that there are boundaries that exist between brothers and sisters.